my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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