my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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