I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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