I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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