It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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