So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
