my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
