Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
