sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
