Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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