I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
