im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
No subtext here. People are naked.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
