TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
