I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
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