he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
