I got chris browned last night
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
