Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
