why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
