a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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