how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
