Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
