Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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