I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
