Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
