He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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