Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
