My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
