Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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