I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
