you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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