The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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