yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
