Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
