Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You were trust falling into bushes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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