I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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