Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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