I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
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Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
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Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize