did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
As shirtless as possible
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
