my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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