I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
