two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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