Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
