my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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