dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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