remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
