dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We're not piercing ourselves today.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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