we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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