eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
