I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
