The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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