The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
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