Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
