He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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