The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
