Hey man sorry I got all grabby
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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